Amber Liquid Solves Everything
by BlueRubyBeat
Summary: Hermione should have just stayed in bed. No amount of alcohol would solve the problem she's facing. Sometimes she questions whether the headaches that Harry and Ron give her are worth their friendship.


**Amber Liquid Solves Everything**

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does.

 **AN:** Captain of the Ballycastle Bats for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition - Round 3

 **Prompt:** Pulp Fiction

 **Word Count:** 2,353 words

 **Time:** After Hogwarts, Harry and Ron as Aurors and Hermione works in the Ministry

 **~.~**

Hermione yawned as she brushed her hair into some form of manageable mess. With some quick maneuvering, she finished with her hair by putting it in a ponytail and slid on a bathrobe in record time. Hermione loved having a lazy day from time to time. Anyone who didn't know her well enough would assume she was an early riser, even when she had a day off. Only her friends knew she liked to wake up later than usual on the weekends, enjoy a freshly brewed pot of tea with a hearty breakfast and a romance novel for some light reading.

She did not think today would be any different from her usual weekend routine. After making sure she was comfy in her fluffy robe and slippers, she walked out of her bedroom to the kitchen. Before reaching her kitchen, she passed a doorway into the living room; still slightly sleepy, she thought she imagined two snoring lumps on her couch as she passed by.

Hermione put a hand to her mouth as another yawn came. She blinked blearily at the tea kettle as it heated up. Once it was ready, she prepared her tea and waited until she could drink from the heavenly aroma she could smell from the cup in her hands. Finally Hermione could take a sip and it was glorious. Her brain did not kick into full gear until after she took a couple sips of her perfectly brewed tea.

"Wait, what?" Hermione uttered as her eyes came into focus. Her eyes widened as she finally remembered what she saw less than ten minutes ago. She shook her head to clear it of the last of her sleepiness, then dashed to her living room.

She paused in the doorway with her hands steadying her against the crown molding. She blinked in quick succession trying to make sense of her living room. Her fireplace had soot all over with black footprints leading to the couch. Her eyes scanned the two bodies she thought she imagined on her way to the kitchen. Her best friend and boyfriend were snoring away on her couch. Their bodies were a tangled mess but somehow they kept each other from falling off, it could also be the fact that they were hugging in their sleep.

"For the love of Merlin…" Hermione sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, she was so not awake enough for this.

Flicking her wrist, her wand sprung into her awaiting hand. A quick swish of her wand and a stream of ice cold water filtered out the tip and rushed to the unsuspecting victims. The two men would forever deny that they screamed like prepubescent girls, they would claim they screamed in manly terror.

After watching them scramble to their feet and trying to keep upright, Hermione announced herself to the two men.

"Why are you here? And why is my living room a mess?" Hermione glared at them, watching them squirm under her gaze.

They shifted on the cold wet floor and leaned on one another to keep from falling flat on their faces.

"Well…" Harry started, "it's…a long story…Uh…Ron you tell it."

"Um…we uh…shit!" Ron swore, he couldn't form a coherent sentence. "Could we get a hangover potion Hermione?"

"No, Ronald," Hermione said sternly, causing Ron to flinch knowing they were in serious trouble. "Tell me why you're here first, then you both will get the potion."

The boys looked at one another, trying to convey what they wanted to talk about with their eyes and small gestures only they knew. After finishing their silent conversation, they sat down and gestured for Hermione to do the same. Hermione quickly cleaned up the room and the two men with a quick flick of her wand before settling down, giving them a pointed look to start talking or else.

"So…it starts like this," Ron began telling their tale.

 **~.~**

" _You do know we_ _'_ _re not supposed to be here right?_ _"_ _Ron asked Harry._

" _Well, what the boss doesn_ _'_ _t know won_ _'_ _t hurt him._ _"_ _Harry stated, giving Ron a grin._

 _Ron sighed and muttered to himself,_ _"_ _We are going to get into so much trouble._ _"_

 _Harry and Ron crept alongside a broken down wall, acting like they were ninjas or assassins and keeping to the shadows. Even though they could use magic to become invisible, they couldn_ _'_ _t risk it in the magical volatile environment that they were in._

 _Harry was the first line of defense, with Ron watching his six. He took the lead and watched for anyone that could attack from their front, Ron checked to the side and keeping an eye from behind. Both acted like the auror_ _'_ _s they trained as, trying to catch the enemy they needed._

 _All too soon, they caught up to the door they needed to access. Slowly, Harry turned the knob and slipped inside the room to make sure it was empty of any living beings. Ron shut the door softly behind them and secured the other half of the room. Once finished, they got up from their crouching and walked to the very suspicious chest in the middle of the room._

" _That thing is totally boobytrapped, you know that right Harry?_ _"_

" _Shh_ _…I'_ _m working on checking it._ _"_ _Harry replied, concentrating on the task at hand._

 _Ron rolled his eyes in exasperation but didn_ _'_ _t take his eyes off the prize. Harry yelled in triumph as he finished checking for traps._

" _All clear!_ _"_ _Harry smirked proudly._

 _Ron walked up next to him and asked,_ _"_ _Together?_ _"_

 _Harry nodded and they both grabbed the top of the chest and opened it slowly. A glowing gold light lit up the room from inside the chest and—_

 **~.~**

"Wait!" Hermione interrupted. "What were you two doing? Did you just start off in a creepy house? Were you doing something illegal?"

"What? No…pshh…" Harry averted his eyes from her and acted like what she said was crazy.

"Harry…Ronald…?" Hermione started, "start from the beginning."

Ron looked at Harry in confusion before speaking back to Hermione. "But that was the beginning."

"Hold up! Ron, we didn't start the day that way. That was, the middle or something…" Harry muttered, elbowing Ron in the side.

"Oops…sorry…" Ron apologized to his girlfriend. "Then why don't you tell it from the beginning Harry, since apparently I didn't."

"Don't mind if I do!"

 **~.~**

" _Leave me alone!_ _"_ _A deranged man yelled at the two heroes._

" _Surrender now or be eaten by Inferi!_ _"_ _Harry yelled, holding up his wand in protection._

" _We don_ _'_ _t have Inferi Harry, what are you talking about?_ _"_ _Ron whispered to him, keeping his eyes trained on the lunatic they were capturing._

" _Quiet Ron, as long as he believes it, we_ _'_ _re good,_ _"_ _Harry replied, keeping his cool._

" _You what! You have Inferi?_ _"_ _The man_ _'_ _s voice cracked, his eyes darting around them, waiting to be attacked by horrific beings._

" _Yes, so surrender now or become zombie chow!_ _"_ _Harry yelled authoritatively._

 _The man, scared beyond belief and just a little unhinged, complied with the order. He threw his wand to the ground and raised his hands in the air._

" _Good, now on your knees with your hands behind your head. Just like that, keep your eyes trained to the ground._ _"_

 _Both Harry and Ron walked to their prisoner, keeping their wands trained on him. Ron stood behind the prisoner and cuffed him with magically draining cuffs so he wouldn_ _'_ _t be able to get away. Harry grabbed the man_ _'_ _s wand and put it in a case to keep for evidence. Both the auror_ _'_ _s walked behind their detainee as they were walking back to their apparation point. In a flash, Harry tripped and a red beam of light shot from his wand. The light hit their prisoner and his head exploded, showering them with blood and brain matter._

 _Ron stood stupefied at what happened, his arms lax at his side as he stared at the now headless corpse. Harry rested on his elbows, dirt and grass dropping from his lips from where his face smashed into the ground._

" _Uh_ _…_ _whoops,_ _"_ _Harry uttered, before standing up._

" _Whoops? Whoops! Harry! You blasted the man_ _'_ _s head off!_ _"_ _Ron exclaimed loudly, berating his friend._

" _It was an accident! I tripped!_ _"_ _Harry replied._

" _How do you accidentally shoot a bombarda out of your wand?_ _"_

" _Dunno…_ _it just happened,_ _"_ _Harry shrugged his shoulders._

 _Ron lifted his arms in exasperation, Harry was just too much._

 **~.~**

"You can't just accidentally shoot a spell from your wand Harry!" Hermione yelled, interrupting their story once again.

"Yeah you can, it happened to me," Harry exclaimed. "I think it's because I had the Elder Wand and it's pretty finicky at the best of times and trigger happy at the worst."

"Now you're blaming your wand Harry?" Hermione deadpanned, not believing him for a second.

Harry just smiled innocently at her. Hermione just shook her head at him and looked to Ron.

"Please continue." Hermione motioned to Ron, not wanting Harry to continue.

 **~.~**

" _I'_ _m so bored Harry! What are we going to do?_ _"_ _Ron asked as he laid spread-eagled on the ground staring up at the ceiling._

" _No idea_ _…"_ _Harry said._ _"_ _Stay still._ _"_

 _Ron looked up from his spot on the ground at Harry who had his tongue sticking out in concentration and was aiming a throwing knife at him._

" _Bloody hell mate! What are you doing?_ _"_ _Ron yelled, rolling away from his position._

" _Ron! I said to stay still!_ _"_ _Harry glared at him._

" _Woah Harry_ _…_ _just because you_ _'_ _re bored does not mean you can throw sharp pointy objects at me! What if you hit me?_ _"_

 _Harry raised an eyebrow eerily similar to Severus Snape._ _"_ _I wouldn_ _'_ _t hit you, I_ _'_ _ve been getting trained._ _"_

 _Ron gaped at him,_ _"_ _By who?_ _"_

" _Just some guy from the bar,_ _"_ _Harry said flippantly._

 _Ron groaned and rested his face in his hands. He mumbled something to Harry who strained to hear him._

" _Speak up mate, I couldn_ _'_ _t hear you._ _"_

" _I said, let_ _'_ _s get out of here and do something. Maybe we can catch the guy that the boss wants,_ _"_ _Ron stated as he lifted his head from his hands._

 _Harry looked thoughtful at the suggestion. Then Harry leaped up from his position and ran across the room with Ron looking at him questionably._

" _Aha!"_ _Harry exclaimed,_ _"_ _we can_ _'_ _t go out on a hunt without the proper material!_ _"_

 _Ron watched as Harry turned around with a full bottle high-grade alcohol. Slowly, a grin formed on Ron_ _'_ _s face._

 **~.~**

"What am I to do with you two?" Hermione commented, facepalming, and wishing that they would act normal.

"What? Alcohol is the perfect way to start a hunt!" Harry said.

"Why, Morgana, why?" Hermione whined, she was in her own little world.

Ron shared a look with Harry before looking to Hermione. "Are you okay 'Mione?"

"Am I okay? Am I okay?" Hermione yelled in a slightly hysterical voice. "You started with alcohol which inhibits your mind and body, then you go after a crazy man, then you 'accidentally' kill him. I should be asking if you're both okay? You're clearly crazy!"

"That's not nice Hermione, you asked us what happened, and we're just giving you the facts," Harry said disappointedly.

Hermione groaned and flopped back onto her couch. "Just…just continue…"

 **~.~**

 _The light from the chest was just Harry shining a light in their faces._

" _Seriously Harry? Why?_ _"_ _Ron asked._

" _Because this will solve our problems,_ _"_ _Harry nodded, believing every word he spewed._

" _We_ _'_ _re so going to get fired,_ _"_ _Ron whined._

" _Let'_ _s get him out of the bag and put him in here,_ _"_ _Harry said._ _"_ _Give me the bag Ron._ _"_

 _Ron looked a little disgusted and gave Harry the small bag he had. Harry grinned at him, then opened the bag over the trunk. A river of blood, more like a trickle but it seemed like a river, discharged from the bag, then a body fell out, right into the perfectly prepared trunk._

 _Harry grinned at Ron and said,_ _"Done!"_

" _Question_ _…_ _why did we sneak into this dilapidated building to put the guy you killed, into a trunk that was suspiciously in the middle of the room?_ _"_ _Ron asked and he did not know if he wished to get an answer._

" _Well, if you must know Ron,_ _"_ _Harry started with a slightly snooty voice to mock him,_ _"_ _it was convenient._ _"_

 _Ron stared dumbfounded at Harry, who just kept grinning madly. After a few moments, both burst out laughing at the sheer craziness of their life. It took a while for them to calm down, with a slight pain in their stomachs from their gut-wrenching laughs._

 _Ron wiped his eyes as he teared from laughing so hard._ _"_ _You know Harry, we get into some crazy shit._ _"_

" _I know! Cheers to having fun!_ _"_ _Harry laughed and brought out his alcohol bottle that was already half-empty._ _"Let'_ _s celebrate!_ _"_

" _Cheers mate!_ _"_ _Ron smiled goofily, holding two glasses out for Harry to pour the alcohol into._

 _The two clinked their glasses together in celebration that the two themselves only knew what for._

 **~.~**

"I-I don't know what to say," Hermione stared at them wide-eyed and in disturbed fascination.

"You don't have to say anything." Ron said, "now could you please get us those hangover potions you promised?"

Hermione whimpered in defeat, then pointed to her potions cabinet. Ron and Harry scrambled from their seats and all but ran to where she pointed. Quick as they could, they got what they needed and downed their vials.

"Ahhh…that hit the spot!" Harry sighed.

"No more headache! Yes!" Ron cheered enthusiastically. "You know what this calls for?"

Harry started his own cheering, "More alcohol!"

While both men were cheering in happiness, Hermione just wished she hadn't got out of bed. Their story was so crazy, she should never have asked. Now her day was ruined.

"I need some alcohol…" Hermione muttered, then a glass of amber colored liquid was presented to her face.

Not even protesting, Hermione grabbed the drink. She ignored the cheering from next to her as she sipped the hard liquor.

 **~.~**


End file.
